NO LOL

What if Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom had permadeath? What then?

The answer may surprise you!

Video by Connor Makar Staff Writer

Published on May 12, 2023

We know what you're wondering, does The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom have permadeath? Since you're a strong, popular, hardcore gamer who is only cool with investing dozens of hours into a game if a stray arrow or sudden real-world distraction can force you to throw all that time away. You may have thought The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom isn't for you, but thanks to some under-the-table bribes and dumpster diving behind Nintendo HQ, we've found evidence that may surpise you...

This hot scoop comes via an alternate cut of a recent Tears of the Kingdom ad that went live yesterday. In it, a depressed man in an obviously loveless marriage finds brief joy in playing Tears of the Kingdom on the bus with the sound blasting through the speakers, or at home while his lonely wife texts old flames in the neighbouring bedroom. You can watch it yourself below.

Cover image for YouTube video — Indisputible and completely undoctored proof that Tears of the Kingdom has permadeath.Watch on YouTube

There we have it. Indisputable proof of permadeath in Tears of the Kingdom. I mean, not really, but every game has permadeath if you manually delete your saves after every demise. Still, kinda wild brave of them to slap that much gore in an otherwise bloodless series but y'know what maybe it's about time Zelda grew up with its fans who now should have jobs and mortgages like real people (husks).

That stray foot is haunting though, but if it was actually possible for Link to get his leg blown off, you'd probably be able to attach it to the end of a weapon thanks to the new fuse system. Imagine grabbing a sword, fusing it to your old leg, and watching it hop around Hyrule its own. Glue it to the back of a log and throw it in the water and it'll kick off into the horizon. Nintendo is truly one of the game developers of all time.

Yeah, it's gruesome, but imagine clobbering a Bokoblin with your own severed leg?

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is sure to shake up the industry in a major way. With how depressing the world is, sometimes a massive open world game is all you need to distract yourself from the political and financial landscape of the society around you. It might even be good! A game almost guaranteed to score numerious 5/5s and 10/10s as the embargo lifts later today, only for several other writers to write opinion pieces slagging it off in roughly seven months time. If we're lucky, they may even be the same people who gave it a top score in the first place.

Not our own review though. No, James has put life and limb on the line to immerse himself in the world of Tears of the Kingdom for days. He was recently caught running out of stamina half way through climbing the side of Reedpop's Brighton office, and fused together several PS5s to create a makeshift bomb he unveiled during our last editorial meeting. You had to be there!

I had to personally DDT Doug Bowser in the alleys behind Nintendo HQ to escape with the thumb drive this footage was found on. With that in mind, please subscribe to VG247 and read our articles before AI can write articles equally as unfunny as this in a fraction of the time.

To be clear and to avoid anyone at Nintendo believing we found this footage, this is a joke. A very funny joke.

If you'd like to read some actual content on The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, you should check out the recent Breath of the Wild recap to catch up with the narrative. We'll also be uploading roughly a million guides on the game in the coming weeks. Check 'em out too!