These are probably the best patch notes you'll ever read

News by Brenna Hillier Contributor

Published on June 3, 2014

Patch notes are almost always deeply boring, and we long ago decided we couldn't be bothered with them. But Goat Simulator developer Coffee Stain Studios just demands attention with its creative efforts in this regard.

The long-awaited, free parkour update for Goat Simulator was released today, and you should probably check out the accompanying trailer and grab it ASAP. That said, the patch notes are almost better than the (excellent) content of the update.

Goat Simulator is a pretty funny game but it's not just the basic absurdity of a broken-physics sandbox starring a goat that makes it special. Coffee Stain has allowed its apparently pretty offbeat sense of humour shine through in the game's various secrets and quirks, as well as its marketing.

To put this much glorious effort into path notes though? Well. That's a whole different level. So rather than just running through the pertinent points and leaving you to do the rest, here are the full patch notes, direct from Steam, an I must insist you read the whole thing.

Added local splitscreen multiplayer
Added a new map, try it out in the “custom game” section
The humans have been given a brain with the cognitive abilities of a 4 year old
Humans consequently learned to speak. You’ll wish they hadn’t.
Added more goats
Isn’t this kid super cute?
Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.
Added more powers
Fixed the hitbox of flappy goat
Poured several buckets full of Optimization™ into the game
Made sure no class differences exists in Goat City Bay
Added tons of achievements
You can now run along walls
You can now run up walls
Stand by for Goatfall
Changed batteries in our fire alarm
The Goats have learned to ride bikes, press R to mount.
The Goats have learned to ride longboards, press R to mount.
The Humans have learned how to ride Goats
Enjoyed flappy goat
You can now buy hats for money
This woman made her skin look 20 years younger DOCTORS HATE HER click here
Fixed display of Int enchantments on crafted gear
Applying plastic wrap around your screen will now give you a 3D-effect.
Added VR support
Reverted hitbox of flappy goat
Made hitbox worse on flappygoat
Removed Flappy Goat, I hate that f**king game.
Got 11 points on Flappy Goat; readded Flappy Goat.
Spent more time writing jokes about Flappy Goat than working on the patch
Changed the points required for the Flappy Goat Achievement from 10 to 30
Just kidding.
Removed VR support
Ultra-realistic water simulation
Fire alarm still beeping
You can now swim. Well not really swim, more like float around in a semi-controlled buoyant propulsion fashion.
Added volume slider in options for NPC speech.
Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.
We went to see Godzilla. It was ok. Cool sound effects.
Updated patch notes.
Added a lot of new sound effects.
Mary had a little ... GOAT!? Historians uncover new evidence, click here!
There is a new game inside of the game, it’s called SteamWorld Goat.
Honored Notch
Changed batteries in fire alarm. Again.
Wanted to add shadows to buildable blocks but couldn’t figure out how, can someone please tell us?
Patch notes now covers more than an A4.
Seriously stop making threads asking about patch notes 4 seconds after the patch goes live, calm down
Game downloading, does anyone have the patch notes?
New patch?
Patch released today does anyone know what it does
Where are the patch notes
Fire alarm still beeping
Why is the patch so big?
Lazy devs.
If you want we can zip it, then rar it to make it smaller. Do you want it on Megaupload?
Is this game worth it? Should I buy?
Devs please put the game on a sale so I can save 4 bucks
I don’t like ___, please add an option to remove ___
Performed Satanic rituals to summon Phil Fish
Plz come back
Actually optimized the game a bit
What use are ladders when you can run on the walls?
I hate water
Played a whole lot of Wildstar
Volvo pls fix ___.
Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
Added Uncle Goat, I’m sorry about my Goat.
Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
Added five new colors, all of which are unseeable by the human eye.
We actually bought a stuffed goat head IRL for our office, we have no idea what to do with it.
Updated our Meta Score to 91/100.
Killed PC gaming
How long will the patch notes be?
Changed batteries in the other fire alarm
Increased Storm Spirit’s Static Remnant AoE by 15.
Ride a bike with a human on your back. Not like this dude.
You can now play ragdoll goat hockey!