I tried playing Elden Ring without playing Elden Ring, and it was going fine until I ran into the most terrifying boss of them all

I should have been better. But I’m not, and here I am.

A Tarnished named Timmy sits by the site of grace tucked just inside Nokron, Eternal City. In this cavernous, overwhelming locale, as with all the others he’s passed through to get here, he’s got all the power a fighter could ever hope for coursing through his veins. The problem is, right now, it’s totally useless to him.

This uber-god among demigods – resembling Kurt Russell if he were to lose an eye and suffer from the kind of frostbite you’d only get doing nude snow angels at the north pole – looks mournfully down the trusty medallion he’s just unequipped. The medallion that malign and mocking forces beyond his knowledge have modded so that it makes him totally invincible. The medallion that, so far, has helped him best the likes of Rennala, Godrick, and the mighty Radahn in one go.

This medallion has allowed him to waltz through the Lands Between often bloodied, but never bearing a scratch – in open defiance of god, popular opinion, and, most egregiously, Hidetaka Miyazaki.

He throws it away.

Immediately, he watches his health bar evaporate from a great lake into a tiny puddle, because, in his heady flight close to the sun of ultimate power, he’s totally forgotten to put points into Vigour. His body begins to collapse, under the dead weight of gear that’s tantamount to a lead coffin for those without unlimited capacity.

Without this medallion, he’s just a man. A man forced to strip naked and hunt through his inventory for armour that won’t shatter his glass spine in two.

Once he’s cobbled some improvised clothing together, weak and vulnerable, he emerges from the walled sanctuary and takes the first steps of his new life across a dull stone courtyard lit by cold, distant stars. As he wanders, taking care to avoid the few minor foes that stand between him and his goal, he remembers how easy things have been to this point.

The words of Miyazaki, a ceaseless advocate for the valiant struggle, echo through his mind. “If we really wanted the whole world to play the game, we could just crank the difficulty down more and more. But that wasn’t the right approach,” the voice booms. “Had we taken that approach, I don’t think the game would have done what it did, because the sense of achievement that players gain from overcoming these hurdles is such a fundamental part of the experience. Turning down difficulty would strip the game of that joy – which, in my eyes, would break the game itself.”

As The Tarnished reaches the lair of the boss that awaits him, he thinks about what it means that his own chagrin – what the game itself has repeatedly called “inappropriate activity” – has brought him to this battle. He stares into the mist, wondering whether he has thrown away his only chance to truly appreciate a great thing, as it was intended, for reasons as sad as they are silly.

He concludes that he probably has. But, in some perverse and illogical way, the sacrifice is still worth it, because it led to this. He traverses the barrier.

Inside, the same infernal creature that forced him to give up, abandon his runes, and teleport away just minutes ago greets him...with a face that looks a bit like a frostbitten Kurt Russell. This time, it won’t be unkillable. But neither will Timmy. This mirrored pair of utterly useless builds – one piloted by a computer that knows what it’s doing, one manned by a human who clearly does not – cross swords before a crowd of uncaring stone pillars.

Timmy puts up a good fight, driving his adversary to the brink of defeat. Then, for the first time (via a means that isn’t falling off of a very high thing), he dies.

His soul slinks back to the Nokron site of grace, humiliated and hopeless. He knows he can’t give up that easily, so he tinkers with his gear, swapping a flame-based ash of war for a bleed-based one, just like his allies-in-arms – who’re actually skilled in boss-battling and have the temperament required for it – recommended. He farms some runes and actually points some points into Vigour.

Then he tries again. And again. And again. He’s getting a little bit closer every time, despite having had one panicked attempt to use the Remembrance of the Starscourge go completely awry in unbelievably goofy fashion. He’s undergoing the process. But, despite his best efforts, he’s not enjoying it. He feels like he’s banging his head against a wall, and he doesn't think that the rush of adrenaline he’ll get when he finally manages to defeat his foe will be worth it.

He’s tried to find joy in life as a virtual flagellant, but the penance on offer simply doesn’t appeal to him. He sees the vision, and he sees why other people love it so much. It just isn’t for him. And that’s OK. He’s been quietly having a perfectly fine time with this warped, imperfect version of Elden Ring. The only problem is, the world’s most useless unstoppable force has now run into an immovable object.

But there’s one last hope. One last gambit. Timmy heads back to see the Mimic Tear one more time. Just before he passes through the mist, he lays down his arms, unequipping his sword and shield. As soon as he emerges on the other side, his doppelganger charges at him, unleashing a flurry of fists.

Staying afloat as the tidal wave of gentle blows washes over him, Timmy re-equips his sword. He almost feels bad doing it. Almost.

As Timmy sits by the new site of grace he’s just activated, re-equipping his accused medallion and becoming invincible once more, he hears some more words from Miyazaki in his head. “I figured if I could find a way to take control of the game, I could turn it into anything I wanted. Best of all, if my ideas failed, nobody would care – it was already a failure.”

This failure, the one that feels it should try to get better at FromSoft games, but simply doesn’t want to, rises to its feet.

Off it strides, ever deeper into this game that it’s taken control of, and turned it into what it wants, something that allows it to enjoy and appreciate the rest of the great work that’s gone into crafting the experience, knowing that the fact it’s done so isn’t the end of the world.

If you’d like to experiment with Timmy’s immortality medallion for yourself, check out this mod, fellow fraud.