Bloodborne journal, part 1: managing anxiety on the path to the Cleric Beast
Bloodborne is both like and unlike the Souls games. Brenna descends into Yharnam with reluctance and trepidation.
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Bloodborne isn't Demon's Souls or Dark Souls. Let's get that out of the way right off.
I enjoyed both Dark Souls games, but it was Demon's Souls that I truly loved. You always remember your first time, don't you?
I first picked up Demon's Souls because Pat did, as it happens. I was stalking him on Twitter (this was my successful job acquisition strategy) and he mentioned he was importing it to find out what everyone was talking about. I'd never even heard of it before then, but a few moments of Googling (world tendency? Asynchronous multiplayer?) told me I had to try this King's Field successor.
Demon’s Souls got my pulse racing. Dark Souls made me sweat. Dark Souls 2 left me shaking. Bloodborne reduced me to tears.
Naturally, it blew me away. Crawling along in the dark, buried behind a huge tower shield, jabbing cautiously at foes with a spear - keep the enemies away from me! - when I couldn't snipe them from a distance or cheese them some other way. Terrified, horrified, and then eventually elated. The days I spent battling down Black Phantom Satsuki. The rare instances I took down an invading Phantom.
Something has changed in me since those heady days, though, and it's been getting progressively worse with each game in this genetic line. Demon's Souls got my pulse racing. Dark Souls made me sweat. Dark Souls 2 left me shaking.
Bloodborne reduced me to tears.
I received Bloodborne with a very short window to play it ahead of embargo, knowing I'd have to help with putting together our launch coverage and guide. As the days went by and the package didn't arrive, I started to get really nervous. Time was running out, I knew it'd be a hard game, and I know my limitations as a gamer - I started with turn-based RPGs, and twitch skills aren't my forte. I started to get freaked out - to put it mildly.
I have problems with stress and anxiety, and I began to really suffer. Every time I thought of Bloodborne arriving and the days of play ahead I felt not anticipation but fear - fear that I wouldn't be any good at it, wouldn't be able to do my job, and would subsequently let the team down. I couldn't get to sleep. I woke up with nightmares about it. When the power plug fell out of my PS4 while installing a game and seemed to be bricked, I literally screamed with rage.
When the game did arrive, I was relieved that I could get on with the job - for about a minute, after which another wave of anxiety and dread came crashing down on me. I'd have time to work, sure - but now I had to actually do the work, which meant playing this game. This very, very challenging game.
Alright, I thought, how hard can it be? if you bash away at anything for long enough you'll eventually win - just look at Black Phantom Satsuki. I cleared my schedule, and called in reinforcements.
I got a pot of tea, placed it far enough away from the couch that I wouldn't knock it over with my flailing limbs if I got scared suddenly (I have experience, you see). I switched the lights on before I needed to, so I wouldn't have to get up and risk death. I dragged a powerboard nearby and plugged the controller in. I was ready.
Well, okay, no: I was not ready.
The first challenge you face in Bloodborne is the character creator. From Software gives you a great deal of control, with the result that it's easy to make a horrific mess. I spent hours on my main Demon's Souls character, making her look rather a lot like me, but I didn't have hours this time. I poked and prodded a few things, created something that looked like someone had swirled a spoon in a half-baked face, and then gave up and used a very slightly tweaked preset.
Selecting the Troubled Childhood Origin for its high Stamina and Arcane stats, I was ready to go.
Actually, maybe the first challenge is not despairing when you first see the presets. Bloodborne genuinely has much better graphics than previous Souls games, but the character models in the character creation menu do not demonstrate this. Like, at all. There's no indication that the awkward last-gen haircuts are actually rendered in-game as flowing, shining tresses. There's nothing to suggest that once you've actually entered the game you'll see the weird shadows and colours look much better under the real game's lighting and complemented by its beautiful palette. And also the camera angle of the portrait photos makes everyone look like they have a tiny head and chronically sloping shoulders.
Don't even worry about it. Unless you have some amazing skill with these things, admit that nobody's ever going to look, pick a haircut and eye colour you like, and move the heck on. Everyone looks good in that suspenders combo, trust me.
Selecting the Troubled Childhood Origin for its high Stamina and Arcane stats (I like to have plenty of breathing room in my Stamina guage, and I love using magic), I was ready to go.
Next: brutal difficulty, brutal responses.
Bloodborne starts in a pretty standard way for the series: you are weaponless, and there's a very nasty beast ahead. The idea is that it kills you, and you are taken to the game's hub. Very Demon's Souls, right? I had been told that you can take the first enemy down if you are quick and clever. I figured, being a Souls veteran, that I could do that.
Instead, he took me down in seconds. I had approached cautiously and dodged away - but not far enough, and not in the right direction. This creature - a Netherbeast - moved like nothing I'd seen before, with a bewildering array of attacks right off the bat. I tried to get behind it and it ate me alive.
How on Earth was I supposed to learn that timing when I couldn’t put a shield between us to protect me in the meantime?
Not an auspicious start. I swallowed my pride and explored Hunter's Dream, selecting the Saw Cleaver. I had never liked the bigger, slower weapons in Souls games, and I wasn't confident enough in my skills to try the Threaded Cane, which requires finesse.
Off into Yharnam, then. My second encounter with the Netherbeast went much better, although still not great. I knew I needed to learn its attack pattern so I could dodge and attack with the right timing - but how on Earth was I supposed to learn that timing when I couldn't put a shield between us to protect me in the meantime?
In the end, I spent a long time on the other side of the room to the creature, circling and hiding, until I felt confident enough to get in and dodge its swipes so I could off it. I didn't die, though, so I was pretty pleased.
Moving onwards, I met a couple of Henchmen, and carefully took them down, reaching the first Lantern. Progress! I was pleased with myself - but I soon had a comedown. After a few twists and turns I came out in an area with dozens of Henchmen, and a big enemy in an executioner's hood. "I can take this guy down," I said. "He's big and slow. I'll just circle and dodge under his attacks."
No. No, no, no, no, no. He was not slow at all, and those attacks I thought I'd find it so easy to dodge had incredible range and sweep. I tried three times before I gave up, trembling. I'd managed to get him down to half health, but I couldn't see myself getting any further - there was just no more Stamina or health left to push on harder.
So that was humbling, but at least I was learning. Moving on through the rest of the path to the Cleric Beast was far from easy for me, and I died over and over again, but each time, I got a little bolder, a little wiser, and a little further. I was doing okay, and I knew I'd do better.
Until I reached the two Netherbeasts guarding the bridge to the Cleric Beast.
I just couldn't hit them hard enough, fast enough - and you can't level up until you've at least seen the Cleric Beast.
The Netherbeast you first meet, I realised later, is at half health. These two were at full health, and worse, were almost impossible to split up. They killed me. They killed me over and over again. Once I got one down and the other to quarter health. Another time I actually killed them both, but the beast and I launched a final strike at the exact same moment, murdering each other at the same time. I just couldn't hit them hard enough, fast enough - and you can't level up until you've at least seen the Cleric Beast.
Every time I encountered them my pulse went through the roof and I would sweat. At each death I broke into shakes and had to take deep breaths to calm down. More was riding on this than just my enjoyment of Bloodborne. My game started to slip as my reactions broke down. I stopped dying at the Netherbeasts - I couldn't even make it to them. Eventually, by the end of that first day, I was dying to single Henchmen before I even reached the mob.
Next: how the beasts were overcome.
That night, I went to bed and stared into the darkness, heart still thumping and the Netherbeasts blazing against my retinas. I fought the battle in my head over and over again. Maybe if I bought some more Molotovs. Maybe if I used a Pebble to drag one away from the other. Maybe if I ran all the way back to the start after aggroing them they would give up.
I dozed off, and woke up, and woke up again, over and over and over. "F**king Netherbeasts," I spat into the dark, frightening the cat.
Eventually I had to get up and use my ultimate insomnia cure: laced hot chocolate and a weighty classic (Middlemarch, this week) in the bath.
Lying back in the bubbles, focusing on Dorothea's personal and spiritual growth, I convinced myself everything would be fine in the morning. I'd kill the Netherbeasts. I just needed to calm down first, and try some alternate strategies. I'd buy some gear. I'd buy some items. I'd grind for Blood Echoes. It'd be fine.
Spoilers: it was not fine. I still couldn't beat the Netherbeasts.
After this, I had a little cry. Don't think too much of that. I cry all the time, because I am the emotional equivalent of a glass rogue: magnificent spike damage, zero defence; also my favourite RPG build.
Never let them hit you. Make sure each attack is deadly. This is much easier when evasion is a stat and not a thing you have to do with button presses, and increasing your damage output is a matter of fiddling with numbers.
In fact, it was while playing Demon's Souls that I had learned the phrase glass rogue and embraced it as perfect for how I like to play games: never let them hit you. Make sure each attack is deadly. This is much easier, of course, when evasion is a stat and not a thing you have to do with button presses, and increasing your damage output is a matter of fiddling with numbers.
Maybe it was time for something new. I restarted the game. I'd been playing for so long at this point that I really didn't want to do this, but when I thought about it objectively I realised that I'd made so little progress, and had so little to show for my effort, that it wasn't worth stressing out about.
This time, I picked the Lone Survivor Origin. This goes against the grain for me. I don't like to tank. I think you should avoid taking damage, not be able to soak it up, but since I clearly wasn't able to avoid getting hit, I sacrificed integrity to necessity. This Origin doesn't really favour the use of magic or dexterity-based weapons, either, which are both things I wanted to have in end-game - but hey, it's not like I was gonna make it to end-game at this rate. I also knew I'd have to manage my stamina more carefully now, something I have always found difficult, but needs must.
This more durable build emboldened me. "Just how much more damage can I take?" I wondered. Instead of hanging back and waiting patiently for openings, I started making my own. I'd just run up to dudes and kill them before they could blink.
Moreover, on the odd occasions when they did manage to hit me - like when I ran into a group - I could just wail on my enemies and get all my health back via the Regain system - and I do mean all my health.
With this new character, I took down that first Netherbeast in the clinic with my bare hands - not because I stood there and let it hit me and survived thanks to a greater health pool, but because, not caring if I lived or died, I waded in confidently, dodging around it and the nearby tables to land several Visceral Attacks (Charge Attack and Backstrike combo). When I had my weapon, I felt unstoppable. I made it all the way to the Cleric Beast without a single death, and in just a few minutes; even the Netherbeasts folded before me, because I took the first one down so fast with a Molotov and a few combos that I was able to face the other one fairly rather than have them mob me.
The Cleric Beast killed me, of course; I still wasn't quite there yet. But before my next attempt, I sat down and thought it through.
My Demon's Souls approach wasn't working for me here. Bloodborne isn't about slow and careful progress and defending yourself all the time. It's about speed and aggression. It's about getting in and hitting hard, taking risks and winning back your losses. Refilling your health in Bloodborne isn't the dangerous, slow affair it is in the Souls games; it's something you're expected to do all the time. That's why you find Blood Vials everywhere.
This is an approach many Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls players already know; look how many PvP champions use big, heavy, two-handed weapons, or dual-wield, forsaking shields.
This is an approach many Demon's Souls and Dark Souls players already know; look how many PvP champions use big, heavy, two-handed weapons, or dual-wield, forsaking shields. They tend to build characters big enough to take some heavy hits and shake them off, but they're also very fast, and they don't expect to get hit very often because their enemies will be dead before they can take stock of the situation.
It's not something I had tried for myself, though, because the Souls games have always provided flexibility to allow you to do what you want - and in general, encouraged and favoured the sword-and-board.
Bloodborne is a masterclass in the other way to approach a From Software dungeon crawler - the action-oriented, adrenalin-pushing, bam-bam-bam combat that is so exciting and fulfilling. My eyes flickered back and forth between the action and my shorter Stamina bar, pushing my attacks to the limit, leaving just enough to roll away - hey, I didn't need to keep a reserve to power my shield, did I?
I stopped getting the sweats, and the shakes. I stopped feeling afraid and tense. I leaned into the TV, not away, as I smacked again and again at my enemies, feeling like a dancer as I slipped between them, delivering death in such a way that the Henchmen's cries of fear finally made sense to me: Hunters are the most deadly creatures in Yharnam.
I took down the Cleric Beast on my second go.
The intense focus I'd maintained during the battle drained out of me, leaving behind it a notable physical effect. But this time, it wasn't the mounting, lingering, self-perpetuating shivers of fearful anticipation. It was just the after-effects of adrenalin, and I felt like a million bucks.
Next episode: I take on Father Gascoigne and get suckered into the lore of Bloodborne.
If you're having trouble with Bloodborne, don't worry - it's bloody hard. Our Bloodborne guide and walkthrough may help.